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Disclaimer

Beginning Ramblings.

I would like to start with a Disclaimer. In my posts I will talk about God. I will also talk about my experiences about being a straight-married-to-a-woman but am also gay. Confused yet? If you are it is ok, I’m not offended. My hope is to have it make sense.

I strongly believe God and Gay can exist in the same sentence, my posts will explain this belief. As I read, listen, and see these issues talked about together I see so much potential. As a believer in God I firmly believe being Gay is ok! Acting on those feelings, however, goes against God. I realize some people do not like to hear that part. Please keep reading! I hope to convince the world (…dream big right…I should probably aim to get just one reader 🙂 ) that the message of God and His Son is worth the fight. I would know as I have experienced a life without and a life with. It is challenging to fight but good thing we do not have to be perfect in this life.

I really hope I can help those who are struggling with these two topics as I did. God does love us all. It is so important that we stay on His side no matter how tough things get.

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The Rabbit Hole

I feel there are two ways to define our lives. What to do and what not to do. I am on the what not to do side.

When I was around 12 years old, I was curious about my sexuality. I think some of this curiosity came from feelings from my parents divorce. These were feelings I didn’t realize I was feeling such as: sadness, lack of confidence, and loneliness.

With this curiosity a situation presented itself with a male friend my same age. Like Alice, curiously, peering in the rabbit hole (and eventually falling in) my friend and I engaged in a sexual relationship for the course of about a year. What a journey this decision would lead me! (I use an exclamation point because this has been the most difficult thing I have dealt with in my life, a period would not grasp that feeling.) It’s safe to say the strange Wonderland Alice encountered is what I encountered. Mine, however, was an emotional Wonderland.

Our “relationship” was secret. I was very naive. In fact, I had no idea what sex was. My single Mother was busy chasing five kids plus dealing with her grief. My Dad was still in the picture, every other weekend, but we would not have the birds-and-the-bees talk until much later.

The excitement of our new found activities did wonders for my negative feelings. Ironically, it also made me feel worse about myself. My friend was more experienced than I and I think for him it was pretty much all sexual. Naively, I developed a sense of “love” towards him. Thus, when he moved away, I was deeply heartbroken. At this point I was deep in my Wonderland seeking desperately for relief from my already fragile self worth. As “luck” would have it I discovered pornography. This would become my new mistress. The secret exciting life would continue…for a price. My soul. 25+ years later with years of therapy, spiritual leaders, and a loving wife I’m beginning to rebuild what I destroyed. Thankfully, God is a master builder.